How I Upgraded My Conflict Resolution Skills (Part 2)
Keeping the Peace: Conflict Resolution Among Teammates (and Why I Might Need Therapy)
In the first part of this series, we explored the general framework to resolve conflicts, based on my experience.
We specifically covered how we can handle conflicts better by -
🚧 Intercepting Early: the benefits of proactively looking out
💭 Being Open Minded: the bias and balance of diverse perspectives
🎯 Criticizing the Idea, not The Person: dissociate individuals from ideas
❤️ Focusing on Empathy: to listen and understand the frustration
🤝 Fostering Compromise: to recognize and appreciate the team objectives
If you have read the deep-dive, you should be familiar with the framework now. In today’s discussion, we are going to cover dealing with conflicts within a team.
Have you ever had a report reach out and express their dissatisfaction?
How to respond when direct reports say:
I don’t feel comfortable working with my teammate A
My code review is blocked for 2 days now, I have pinged them 5 times
Why didn’t they talk to me directly?
Resolving conflicts within a team becomes much harder. Because your team’s performance gets affected. It’s important to reach a balanced outcome, all the time!
If you’re like me, these are also some of the most stressful conversations you’ll ever face. I’ve made many mistakes here, but over the years I found a pattern. You’ll be able to avoid this trap, if you,
🚫 Don't Tell Them What They Want to Hear
It is okay to feel uncomfortable providing feedback. I still feel the same. What is not okay is hiding areas of improvement to protect our feelings. As a leader, invest in growing people. It doesn’t go unnoticed. Build strong trust relationships with your people. If they trust you, they’ll understand your feedback is to help them.
I used to,
Send non-verbal signals that I’m agreeing with them, this can be a simple nod
Tell them what part I agree with, but avoiding the part I don’t
Spend time on how the other person could improve in future. Instead of focusing on what they can do
Sugarcoat a feedback so much that it becomes non-actionable
It’s important to listen to both parties in a conflict with an open mind. But falsely agreeing with them can ruin your reputation and team’s performance. Ask clarifying questions, dig deeper to understand the root of the problem.
Read “Don’t be nice, be authentic” by
, it will help you with sharing feedback.✋ Don't Accept Excuses
It is very common to put the blame on someone else. In conflicts, this human behavior gets amplified. For example, you might hear,
“I was really busy debugging a problem, so I turned off my notifications”
“I have responded to them on doc comment”
These might seem perfectly valid reasons, but it is important to dig deeper.
Ask clarifying questions:
“Were you able to get back to them in a timely manner?”
“Do you think you’re overloaded? Because code review is very important for our team’s success.”
Think of it this way, when you’re accepting excuses at face value, you’re disrespecting the other person. Digging deeper reveals the underlying reason behind the conflict. This will also help you effectively resolve the conflict.
🙅♀️ Don't Choose Sides
Let’s just accept it, we all have favorites. But letting that feeling get in the way of resolution is a crime! Sometimes it goes beyond who’s your favorite team member. It is often determined by who you rely on more. In a conflict between your team’s TL and the new member, you might have made up your mind.
It’s not only unfair to the new person, it’s also unfair for your TL. You’re robbing them of a chance to improve and grow. I used to,
Go into meeting with already made up mind based on prior behaviors
Let go problematic behaviors of people I enjoyed working with
It’s good to keep prior behaviors in mind, this will help you find patterns. But my recommendation would be to treat each conflict objectively. Choosing sides is more evident than you think, it can destroy your team morale.
⚠️ Don't Overlook Unacceptable Behavior
There’s always room for improvement. When discussing a conflict, listen, understand the frustration but also take notes. Capture any behavior that should be improved. You might not want to share them on the spot. Build your hypothesis but observe the other person’s complaints.
You might want to ignore certain problematic behaviors. I made these mistakes a lot,
Reality doesn’t match your expectations, i.e. choosing sides
The problem isn’t big enough in your opinion
It has always been the case, and you don’t want to change it now
When you hear both sides of the story, you should have a clear picture. As a leader, it’s your responsibility to maintain the balance. Team culture is a big catch-all solution in this case, lean into it.
🌟 🔍 Parting Thoughts
I still make many mistakes as a leader, each one has an impact on the team. But, when team members don’t feel productive working together, it needs to be fixed. Team’s performance directly relates to how individuals feel working together. Dealing with conflicts within a team can cause a lot of stress, but don’t let it control your actions.
Approach conflicts as any other problem, with a clear and unbiased mind. If you avoid making these mistakes, you can ensure effective resolution.
Now that we covered conflicts within a team, in Part 3, we will explore how you can better represent your team in external conflicts.
Are you using any strategy to resolve conflicts in your team? Share them in the comments!
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👋 💬 Get In Touch
Want to chat? Find me on LinkedIn.
If you want me to cover a particular area of leadership, you can reach out directly on akash@chromium.org.
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I remember in multiple teams I have been, there were clear divisions of which people grouped together. That creates a fragmented team in the end.
When I was just a new hire, I tried to make sure I became part of the group of the people with the most experience and that I thought were objectively better.
But as I gained my tenure I found the value it's instead in being an IC, individually assessing the situation and providing what I think is the best path to green, regardless if that's the side someone else also took or not
Love the visuals Akash! I like your emphasise on trying not to chose sides.
I have been frustrated once when my boss chose sides. It was not the best experience, and led me to leave the team eventually.
Thank you for a very well written article!